I come back

I come back to you for comfort

I come back to you when I need something else

I come back to you when I need to be someone better

I come back to you when I want to feel something

I come back to you when I'm hungy

You make me hungry. You make me - me.

Love/Hate and mostly bad. but we do it.

~ a beautiful Disaster

Tomorrow's plan

Tomorrow I am just eating milk and fruit. I read that this is a good diet to do when wanting jumpstart a weight loss. The protein and fat in the milk keeps you going and the natural sugars and energy from the fruit do too.

The plan is
One glass of milk for breakfast
Unlimited fruit for lunch
One glass of milk for supper
Unlimited fruit anytime in the day

I would like to carry this on for a few days. But its really hard to eat on my own plan, with my family. They are big into eating meals together... Tomorrow I will be gone for every meal so it will work i know! Thursday, I have yet to figure out how to be "gone" over lunch. We'll see!

~A beautiful disaster

She's Perfect... She's my sister

My sister...

She is my mothers dream child.

She tells my mom everything about her life. She asks for advice from her. She talks to my mom all the time.  She gets good grades. She is twenty. She is a Christian. She does not date (what could make my parents happier?).  She is the oldest, the first born. She's slow to get mad. She is gorgeous. She looks like my mom. She has dark brown hair. Beautiful features. Unique, but modest and adorable style. A perfect body. She looks good in anything.

She's home now - for the summer. In January of this year, she decided that she was going to move to college. After living there this past semester, she decided that she likes living at home better during college. And what could make my mom happier.

 She usulaly comes and visits on the weekends, but I dont see her much because my weekends are so busy. But last week, she came home for the summer. And even though she has only been living at college during the weekdays for 4 months... i've forgot what its like living with her.

Its  a constant reminder of how I am not perfect. And how I am not good enough. not only in looks, but actions, clothing, grades, friends...  you name it. Mom and my sister talk all the time, and they dont have any problem talking about me, while I'm in the next room.

My sister usually nags at me constantly. Telling me that my outfit doesnt look good. "are you really going to wear that?" or "pull your shirt up" or "those pants look too tight". Telling me I dont have the right friends "why dont you do something with my friends and me tonight?" or "how about you asking *sally and *fred to do something insted?" Telling me I need to be a more devout Christian "have you thougth about becoming part of the church?" or "That music sounds really sucular" or ...... see?

Now I'm starting to feel guilty about right this. It is true.... dont get me wrong. I do love my sister. I realize no one is perfect... but I feel compared to her and I cannot help my compare myself to her. The constant reminder is back....

~A beautiful disaster

Beautiful. Thin.

beau·ti·ful

[byoo-tuh-fuhl]

–adjective

1.

having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.

2.

excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.

3.

wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

 

 

thin

adjective, thin·ner, thin·nest, adverb, verb, thinned, thin·ning.

–adjective

1.

having relatively little extent from one surface or side to the opposite; not thick: thin ice.

2.

of small cross section in comparison with the length; slender: a thin wire.

3.

having little flesh; spare; lean: a thin man.

 

 

 

Isn't it funny how we connect the two?

 

~a beautiful disaster

Now... am I old?

It was my birthday today! I turned 18!

Its crazy  thinking I'm really 18. Sometimes i think Im younger than that, and sometimes i feel older. I hope its a great year..

today was wonderful though. I went on a bike ride with my sister. went rollar blading with my family at the park. did some homework outside while my 2 cats slepted beside me. ate supper with my family and opened presents. and watch a the movie "when in rome".  it was good :)

School is just about out. I have finals next week. and im working on a diet plan for when im out... im planning to refocuse beacuse this whole semester i feel out of controll.

this is such an inspiring picutre. i look at it, and think of how many words and emotions it captured.. millions.  i just can stair and wonder.


lovee
~ a beautiful disaster

Whats causing it for you?

Believe it or not, anorexia isn’t really about food and weight—at least not at its core. Eating disorders are much more complicated than that. The food and weight-related issues are symptoms of something deeper: things like depression, loneliness, insecurity, pressure to be perfect, or feeling out of control. Things that no amount of dieting or weight loss can cure.

I do not have anorexia... but I've struggled with these things. And think of poeple like me, or poeple who do have anorexia. Theres always something deeper. For me, it was rejection, stress, rebellion, more stress, a rough time with friends and my parents, and a time of wondering who i was.

~A beautiful Disaster

dealing with things

people deal with things in different ways

sometimes i pray

sometimes i run

sometimes i eat

and sometimes i dont eat....

this time... im not eating