Diary Entry #1

Hey there blog readers :) I am planning on blogging a "diary entry" at least once a week. I don't like to talk about myself a lot, but obviously this diary entry will be about me, my stats, diet, all that good and exciting stuff that I obsses over.

Diary Entry #1

Why do I feel like this? I end up being so quiet, concealed, and distant from my family. They love me, I know I feel that they dont sometimes, but they do, and I know I hurt them. But I have to be thinner... it is always on my mind. This weekend I went to a different state to be with some friends. Eating didn't go too bad... but still there were times when I should have not ate things at all, or ate much less. Like when I had 1/2 of a chocolate pudding desert. I shouldn't have ate that, that should have been obvious to me, and yet I somehow my hunger over rides my concious at times. Right now I am not on a specific diet... just trying not to eat alot, and tracking my calories on my phone. I would like it if I stayed under 700 cals because when I eat more than that, I feel like FAT cow. I haven't decided which diet yet, but I am planning on starting one on friday.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see fat on...I think im getting fatter. I know the scale doesn't say that, but what if it's broke or something? I really hate my stumach... It's not toned enough. Infact my whole body needs more toning and "fat removal". I used to exericse every day, but college has gotten so busy with homework. I must start again, its been a week since i last exercised. I last weighed myself 4 days ago and was a freakin 121 pounds. Which put me up 2 pounds from the day before.. wtf? I'm determined. I am sick of being 5foot and 3 inches and fat. More restricting... I'm sick of being fat.

~ a beautiful disaster

(I'm sorry this was so long... I will try to make them sorter... things just started porring out...oh I have so much to tell you all )